Haircut

tears in her eyes, she stands in the midst of a pile of black whisps, curling around her wide, brown feet with chipped polish on the toes. grieving her misguided decision wrought not so much from poor decision but lack of decision altogether.
why did you do this, elliana? what were you thinking when you cut your hair, baby?
few things garner her more favor than her hair. but here we are. and it is damaged.
i wonder if she meant for that? deep, deep down?
at its end though, the truth is she was curious and wanted to feel what it would be like to cut it. curiousity overcame gratitude.
so it is when i fall, 'arar.
curiousity eclipsing gratitude.
i gather her in my arms and she says she's sorry and she will not do it again.
and she won't. "but i will," i think.
i will sacrifice those things i'm most grateful for in coherent moments to the curiousity of a fruit.
the good news has me coherent more and more though. as much as i give myself over to it. and i am curious less and less about all that poison fruit.
i tell her that i know it's hard and that i know she is sorry and that she's forgiven.
words i've heard so well and often that i can repeat them like breath.
and there will be growth where there was shame.
and there will gratitude renewed where there was vanity.
and sometimes it's good to stand in the midst of evidence of 'arar and cry out and be held. ararat

Not Cool

"Mom. They said I'm not cool."

In my mind, I yell...

"Excuse me!"

"YES YOU ARE!"

"Well, they're not cool then!"

To my breathtakingly uncool firstborn I respond...

"You most definitely are not cool."

You are the opposite of their woundedness,

their loneliness,

their brokenness.

Their sad longing.

You are a bought,

paid for in full,

Bondservant

of your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

"Remember, son, when you said you'd follow Him even unto death?

II Timothy says, 'You therefore endure suffering as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.'

And then it says in the book, 'If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use.'

And I say that you are my child and you are important. You are good. You are holy by His blood, and you are righteous in Him.

That's how God says,

'You're COOL.'

And so do I."

And I squeeze him tight

and smell his hair.

And I am thankful that my son is relaxing his shoulders.

And his spirit.

And that he is not only reborn Good.

But that he is also learning to walk Good.

He's learning his new identity,

trying it on,

walking around in it.

It fits him well.

Lord, thank you for Caleb.

You have seen fit to gather him to You.

Help me teach him and his siblings to walk with You.

In Your Way

All the days of his life.

Boldly.

Passionately.

Amen

Mama's Lunch

She gave birth three mornings ago.
She's the best mama.
She knows that right now she needs to stop everything and tend to her littles: 3 blind, helpless ones.
She knows to keep everything clean to avoid attracting the enemy. She values safety and believes it when she's found it.
She knows how to balance firmness and gentleness.
And she knows when she needs a break.
She took her first one today--a glorious 12 minute, lunch.
ALONE.
She knows she needs it.

a want, a need

My MawMaw used to say, "Sometimes you want something so bad it becomes a need."
Wanting giving to rise to adoration.
Adoration isn't ice cream-love.
It's the die-for-you kind.

How right we are to adore you, Lord! (Sgs 1:4)

He adored us exactly that way.

And He did die.

But loving-adoring Life kills death.

And so loving all Life made Resurrection.

I want to want Him and the Life He gives.

Life He gave.

Adoring Him I lay down mine.

Then when He's all that's left of me, I know what it is to need Him.

I receive and Live His Resurrection.

I want His promise of Life so bad that I need Him to Live it.

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness, the power, the glory, the victory, and the majesty.

Everything on earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom.

We adore you as the one that is over all things.

I Ch. 29:11 (NLT)

Alive and Well

This past Sunday Pastor Curtis spoke about Scripture being alive.

Living. Breathing.
Thriving. Vigorous. Strong.
Burning. Glowing. Like a coal.
Flowing free. Like water.
Suitable for existence and subsistence.
A picture.
Unchanging.
Rooted in its original place.
Perfection.

And the word became human and made His home among us.

He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness.

And we have seen His glory, the glory of the Father's one and only Son.

according to John 1:14 (NLT)

"God-expressing-Himself," says John Piper.

In Him, the secret-made-known of abundant life.

And I can't help but fall to my knees from that kind of weakening power

In that moment, I live well.

Tripped by the Transition

I think I've figured it out. It only took 35 years, 8 months and 3 days. Ready for "it?"

Here it is...

I'm pretty stinkin' good at change, but I'm BAD at transitions. The moment before things are different but the knowing that what's been is about to give way to what will be.

Jesus in Gethsemane.

The moment before you say, "Yes."

The instant before the dentist gives the first numbing shot.

The day before the first day of school.....

My three boys went off to school today. I've done five years of first days, but my heart can't seem to escape the Compression Chamber it insists on entering the weekend before school starts.

So excited to see them grow, but so reluctant to let them for fear they'd burst the bounds of their love for their momma.

Which they will. And they have to, and I want them to so that they'll go and be what He's created them to be. I'm thankful that happens in small steps. Otherwise I couldn't bear it. They are such treasures!

Thank you, Lord, for giving them to me to hold and let go. Help me to have faith that leaves no room for fear in the transition-times. Teach me joy in Your plan that overpowers the creeping feelings of sadness and loss. Amen

Hiding

She's a pro at hide and seek.

She must've watched me hiding from the Lord for the past couple of months.

"I can totally see you, Rory Jane!," her siblings say.

You totally see me, Lord.

I'm so glad You found me.